- What Does Being in a Toxic Marriage Look Like?
- 5 Critical Signs You Are in a Toxic Marriage / Relationship.
- Conclusion
- What Next?
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What Does Being in a Toxic Marriage Look Like?
In a toxic marriage, a victim often finds themselves trapped in a cycle of emotional, psychological, or even physical harm, where their needs and well-being are consistently neglected or undermined. This can manifest as constant criticism, manipulation, or control by their spouse, leaving them feeling powerless and unworthy.
Often, the toxic dynamics are masked by moments of apparent normalcy or affection, making it harder for the victim to recognize the unhealthy patterns. Spiritually, this type of relationship can erode their sense of identity as a beloved child of God, fostering isolation and self-doubt.
Understanding these patterns and seeking wise counsel, whether through trusted friends, spiritual leaders, or professional Christian counseling, is a vital step toward healing and finding clarity in God’s plan for their life and marriage.
In two previous articles, firstly, I wrote about what a healthy relationship looks like. Secondly, I also wrote an article on handling a toxic individual in situations where it might be difficult to leave, such as work or familial contexts.
Use the 5 signs listed below to gauge where your relationship stands. I’m praying to God for your healing because you are so precious and significant in His sight.
5 Critical Signs You Are in a Toxic Marriage / Relationship.
1. You are Constantly on Edge.
You are constantly on edge, you find that you walk on eggshells around them not wanting to disturb them. You watch every word you utter and paraphrase with such dedicated intention to avoid hurting their feelings or appear rude.
You often feel like you have to keep the peace. This is because you don’t know what version of them you’d get every day. You feel responsible to ensure that they’re happy and do everything possible to avoid getting on their wrong side. Unfortunately, you forget about your own needs. You accept bad behavior because the boundary lines between what you can tolerate and not have been excessively blurred.
Living constantly on edge is unhealthy. It releases stress hormones called ‘cortisol’. These hormones activate the adrenaline response of the nervous system for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. There are long term and sever health impacts linked to such cases. These include but is not limited to memory loss, insomnia, muscle ace, indigestion, headaches or migraines and autoimmune diseases.
Living this way is not what God intended for marriage. The bible says that ‘…as much as possible and depends on you, live at peace with all men’. When the other person does not choose peace and constantly creates chaos, we need to reflect. We must be honest about how toxic this relationship has gotten.
2. They Feel Entitled.
Nothing you ever do was, is and will ever be enough. Your spouse feels entitled to your time, body, money and self. You are not allowed to be your own individual person with your own identity. These people feel that they deserve privileges and recognition for things they did not earn. They demand you spend time with them even if you have to work.
They demand you please them in spite of your own feelings or prior commitments. They demand you get along with their friends or family irrespective of how you’re being treated. They expect you to serve and please them even when they choose not to pull their weight in the relationship. They want the world to revolve around them, they believe they should be the centre of attention at all times.
This character could be as a result of nature (environmental influences surrounding how they grew up, perhaps patterns they saw in their family home) or nuture (genetic patterns that has been passed on, how their parents might have made them feel special and above the law). You should not have to tolerate that, sit around and accept such prideful behaviours.
3. They Manipulate and Isolate You
They would willingly encourage the destruction of other close relationships and your support network. They purposefully isolate you from other people so that they can have their full reign of manipulation.
For example, how supportive are they of your family and friends? Do they encourage you to help your aging parents in times of crisis or are they indifferent? Are they pleasant when you plan to visit your family? How supportive are they of those close pre-existing relationships? What is their opinion of keeping in touch with your siblings? Do they eavesdrop on your conversations and pass on criticizing comments after your call? Do they support you in having close friends and forming relationships with church community and friends?
4. They Monitor and Stalk your Social Media
This one really gets to me! How on earth can a grown man or woman demand access to their spouse’s phone every day? They want to check your entire social history. Screaming trust issues! I can make a pass for if you have a mutual agreement to have access to your phones. Even that is unhealthy.
Be concerned if they go through your text messages and call log when you leave your phone around. They also check mailboxes, WhatsApp, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, LinkedIn, X, and any other social platforms I have missed out.
Take this clue particularly seriously. It is not normal that your spouse demands going through your mobile phone. If boundaries have not been set before, consider establishing them now. This is especially important if this is now a practice in your home. Your spouse should be a partner to help and support you both to achieve your goals. Marriage is not about dominance or control. If you don’t feel safe, please seek help from a church and professional christian counselor.
5. They ‘Demand’ Love and Respect
Paul instructs husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21 to submit (yield) themselves one to another in reverence for Christ. Love and respect in marriage is not demanded or expected but ideally earned. From a christian perspective, we are commanded to respect our husbands as wives and love our wives as husbands. The dysfunction in an unhealthy relationship would change this dynamic to demand that we automatically love or respect. Your spouse would demand that you love or respect them.
Some individuals are so cruel, they use the words of scripture to manipulate or guilt trip you into submitting yourself to love or respect. When you do this, in the face of abuse, you show the abuser that they can continue the abuse. You imply they can continue without taking responsibility for the hurt they caused you. The longer you stay, the more you accommodate, the worse things will get. Love and respect are required ingredients in a healthy marriage. They should not be used as a tool to continue and mask abuse.
6. They Lie and Call it Truth
I believe the psychological term for this phenomenon is ‘gaslight’. In July 2024, I spent a considerable amount of time researching. I read articles and medical journals on the possible cause for someone that claims to love you. I wanted to understand why they would want to hurt you so terribly as to gaslight you. In simple terms, this occurs when someone presents false evidence as real. They push you to accept a false reality where the truth is a lie and the other way around. It is a really twisted way of living.
The term ‘gaslight’ came from a movie. It was written by Patrick Hamilton and directed by George Cukor. I could not resist the temptation to watch it. Although it was filmed in black and white, it was well worth my 1hr 54mins. It was like watching myself being the lead actress in the movie. I could recite every line from memory. It had all the well-known characteristics of the emotional and psychological abuse I experienced in my own marriage. An example still comes to mind as I type on this keyboard. It happened when the couple were preparing to go for a concert. Ingrid Bergman lost her brooch. It was a gift from Charles Boyer, her husband. He purposefully hid it from her. He lied about not seeing it. Then he pretended to find it in her purse at the venue. After that, he accused his wife of being mad. He instructed the help to aid her in laying and resting in her room. Unknown to the wife, he was also having an affair with the help.
This behaviour is typical of self-centered individuals. They would do anything to only meet their own needs. They do so without having a conscience of how their behaviour will inadvertently affect others. The worse part of this type of abuse is that the wounds run deeper and are more damaging. It can fundamentally change the victim’s thoughts, feelings and self esteem (according to Charlie Health, 2024). It ultimately impacts your mind, self-worth, and belief about oneself. It can lead to sleep disorders, headaches, muscle tension, anxiety, depression, PTSD. It can permanently change the brain and alter one’s psychological makeup if it continues consistently for years.
The bible tells me that you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. It also tells me in Proverbs 12:26. ‘The righteous man is a guide to his neighbour.’ Nevertheless, ‘the way of the wicked leads them astray.’ Lies come from a place of pride and self denial. Pride was the original sin that Satan harbored in his heart in Isaiah. He thought to depose God of heaven. Which of course, ended badly for him. When you piece the puzzle together, you then wonder why an individual would be so used to chronically lying. You worry about why they keep changing facts.
When this person denies the truth and manipulates another person to believe their lie, then there is a big issue. The perpetrator is willfully sinning against their spouse and such behaviours need to be addressed, with wisdom to the perpetrator. If they will not listen, then let the matters be taken to the elders in church. If they will not listen, then let such persons be treated as an unbeliever.
Conclusion
A marriage should never come at the cost of enduring emotional, psychological, physical, or mental pain stemming from lying, cheating, manipulation, and sin. Proverbs 12:19 gently reminds us that ‘Truthful lips will be established forever, But a lying tongue is only for a moment.’ Additionally, Verse 22 highlights that lying lips can be distressing to the Lord, while the faithful bring Him joy. It’s essential for us to approach these situations with care, seeking God’s guidance for discernment to navigate through challenging relationships with understandings and compassion.
See related article about how marriage can become an idol. Use the checklist in section 6 to clarify how the Lord is trying to expose the idol in your heart of your marriage and how you are no longer responsive to the prompting of the Holy Spirit about the dysfunction in your relationship. Remember love does not encourage us to tolerate sin and bad behaviour at the expense of our emotional, physical and spiritual health. Tell the truth in love and where needs be, seek professional help from local community or the church (if applicable).
In a separate article, addressing abuse in christian marriages- a call for church action, I focus on the importance of church involvement in abusive relationships. I also highlight some key areas that the church can consider when it comes to the matter of safeguarding victims of abuse.
What Next?
Someone is reading this material. I believe God wants to deliver you from the sheep that appears in wolves clothing. Open your heart to Him, accept Him as your Lord and Savior. Confess your hurts, pain, disappointments to Him. He listens and will direct you on the best and safest course of action.
God extended a life line at a dire point in my life. I was very exhausted spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Readers, what are your thoughts or own experiences on emotional abuse? or toxic relationships? These relationships could also include family, work or friendships.
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