Radical Acceptance in Healing from Narcissistic Relationships.

A candid review of Dr Ramani’s book. It’s Not You; How to Heal from Narcissistic people.

What is Narcissism?

I have spent the better part of the last five and a half days speeding through Dr Ramani Durvasula’s book. Here’s my candid opinion on her take in healing from Narcissistic Abuse.

In the world of mental health and clinical psychology, this type of abuse is now rampantly plaguing our society. There is less known research and work around it. Narcissist, narcissism, and narcs are words that are becoming increasingly popular. Even pop culture encourages their use in irrelevant circumstances. The risk of popularizing such an important word is significant. It is, in effect, the clinical diagnosis of someone’s mental condition and propensity of behavior. This has further eroded the impact of the word. In so much that it trivializes the realities, pain and suffering that victims of narcissistic abuse really go through.

Dr Ramani made a note of this in the early chapter. I was very grateful that she intentionally pointed this issue out herself. Her book was not about calling out narcissistic people as evil, but rather identifying unhealthy relationship patterns and behaviours. She approached htis book with the intention to give the victims permission to disengage from such abuse. She emphasized that victims and survivors must know it is a basic human right to be seen. It is a basic human right to be heard. It is a basic human right to have your own separate identity, needs, wants and aspirations expressed and recognized.

Staying or Leaving a Narcissistic and Abusive Marriage.

I would like to focus this post on the aspect of healing from narcissistic abuse. If you choose to leave, you basically have to practice radical acceptance that this person can’t change. In fact, the more you forgive them and try to overlook their damaging behaviors, the worse things get. You are kind and sympathetic by nature. Because of this, your forgiving attitude indirectly gives the narcissist further permission. They continue in their harmful and sinful ways towards you. It gets worse.

Our body naturally recognizes abuse as danger. It starts closing up or feeling tense when the abuser is nearby.

Narcissists don’t have the capacity to self-reflect. They choose not to have the ability to take accountability for their actions. Rather, they find safety in minimizing the pain it causes you, blame-shift, gaslight, manipulate and deprive the victim / survivor. Unfortunately, the fallout and impact of narcissistic abuse roll into affecting one’s thoughts and beliefs. It influences how you experience yourself in the world. It impacts your stress levels, safety, and emotions. Some practical impacts include: feeling hopeless, helpless, confused. Feeling lonely, preferring isolation. Having flashbacks, constantly in hyper-vigilance mode and having difficulty concentrating. Which also lead to depression, grief, suicidal thoughts, and apathy.

Practical ways to recognise abuse.

Our body naturally recognizes abuse as danger. It starts closing up or feeling tense when the abuser is nearby. If one chooses to leave, they must accept radical acceptance. This means the victim or survivor must acknowledge that the narcissist will not change. She compares their character to that of a scorpion. The scorpion has good ground game. Similarly, the narcissist will try to use charm, flattery, promises, and false reassurance to win you back. Only to come back and get stung again and again.

The first step is to accept reality. Start this by journalling your relationship and experiences over a considerable length of time, 3 weeks to 2 months. Do this while maintaining your privacy. Be aware that if the narcissistic abuser finds your journal, they might try to dissuade you from journalling. They might attempt to talk you out of your experience.

As you grow, you realize not everyone can go with you. Narcissistic people, least of all, can’t accompany you to where you are going.

Secondly, after observing the behavioural patterns for a while, identifying time frames in the relationship becomes easier. One can spot when things are really nice and calm and when they start to get heated again. You become unconsciously aware of the time frame during the good windows. Then you start to wonder when the narcissist will start with their bad behaviour again.

You would realise that at specific intervals in your relationship, you start walking on eggshells. This pattern becomes more recurring and persistent over time. This should give you enough convincing of accepting the reality of the dysfunctional dance in your relationship.

Tools to recognize and heal from abuse

Dr Ramani also speaks about 5 useful tools to help radical acceptance like:

• Entering the tiger’s cage.
• Don’t hit send.
• The Lists- Ick list, My Turn List and Biscuits in Bed.
• The Toxic Cleanup.
• Stacking up multiple truths.

She then goes on to list 6 activities to help with healing from narcissistic abuse:

• Rewriting the fairy tale.
• Reflecting on how you felt instead of what happened.
• Bringing back all the pieces of yourself together involves embracing your younger self that was neglected. It also means accepting your older self that survived an abusive relationship. Leaning in to have compassion for your sense of self e.g. empathy, patience and strength that were weaponized against you by the abuser.
• Writing a letter e.g. to yourself 10 years from now sharing what you hope will happen.
• Pay it forward- by either becoming a therapist or counselor to help others. Or getting involved in reforming family court or becoming a domestic violence advocate.
• Witness you own survivor journey.

Coming back home.

Dr Ramani also made a very powerful point that echoed my own thoughts before I left my abusive marriage. She said that as you grow, you realize something poignant. One of the most painful realizations is that not everyone can go with you. Narcissistic people, least of all, can’t accompany you to where you are going. This struck a chord with me. Every time in my marriage, I faced backlash from my ex-husband. This happened whenever I started a blog or wanted to speak out against abuse on social media. He would discourage me about speaking up for myself in our home or speaking out on social media.

In essence, he didn’t want me to have a voice. He didn’t want me to have autonomy. He wasn’t comfortable with my true and authentic self and this worried me a lot. I did not think he could support my hunger for change, for a healthy home and marriage. I realised that for where God was calling me to be, I had to let go. I really prayed and hoped that God could turn my marriage around. Rather than waiting for God, I was impatient. I bent backwards to please my ex-husband and that wasn’t pleasing to God.

Despite my cries and pleas, and my concerted effort to fit into his mould, he remained very cruel and unkind. He kept late nights into the early hours of the morning and was abusive. I had come to the end of myself and I couldn’t deny myself that opportunity to heal. The answers I’d been looking for were staring right at me. I still struggled to accept the truth, until I stumbled upon the tools that cemented radical acceptance of my situation. I’d seen the light and had to let go of this unhealthy bond. I had to embrace myself and come back home.

Healing is about individuation and having compassion for all the good parts of you that were harmed, and weaponsied against you in a terribly twisted way.

Accepting Reality as a Path to Healing.

Dr Ramani closes by saying healing is about divesting yourself from the story of the narcissist. It’s about freeing yourself from the script and shame they project on you. It is about individuation and having compassion for all the good parts of you that were harmed and weaponized against you in a terribly twisted way.

Dr Ramani encourages the readers to stop blaming themselves for the way the relationship turned out. To stop asking what the victim did wrong, what they could do better, how they could be better. But they need to finally accept the relationship was very toxic and unhealthy. The partner never truly treated them with kindness, respect, love, empathy, reciprocity, or freedom to be themselves.

The victim / survivors are encouraged to heal and thrive. To return home, back to their authentic self. A better version. Seek further therapy and counseling if needed. But that most of all, this abuse was not their fault.

Further Action- Preview a copy of the book below or buy on Amazon.

Seek Further Help Below.

If you or any one you know is going through domestic violence or abuse, there are several organizations that offer assistance. They can help with your situation. Remember that the victim might not have the strength to reach out for help themselves.

Please seek extra guidance from the:

Samaritans, Refuge, National DA Helpline and the Police if it is life threatening.

Know that you are now alone. Above all, continue to pray. Seek God’s guidance in this very trying season of your life.

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HEAL from Hurt, REDISCOVER True Self, REBUILD with Clarity