In an earlier post, I shared my thoughts on if marriages are being treated as idols. Particularly in the christian community. In today’s post, I would like to discuss how the church can tackle abuse in christian marriages. Abuse is a significant issue that requires attention and action. In this post, I refer to church institutions. These involve not just individuals. They also include the institutions that help the meetings of believers in the body of Jesus Christ. Organisations and Charity bodies set up to foster community.
My once bubbly and happy personality started to crush under the weight of meeting unrealistic expectations. I was serving another human being as though they were God.
I was married for five years. During those five years, I slowly lost the discernment of what was acceptable in a marriage and what was not. I could no longer tell the difference between a healthy marriage and an unhealthy or abusive marriage. I noticed some destructive patterns I brought into the marriage in my first year. I was determined to work on myself, educate myself and make things better. It was not till my third year that I realised I was doing most of the work. Comments from my ex-husband did not help. He would say things like ‘All the problem in this marriage is your fault’. He also claimed, ‘If you would only listen to me, I have all the solution to the problems of this marriage’.
I started to distrust my sense of reality. I truly believed that if I submitted to his leadership and headship, things will turn around for the better. I lost my discernment and no longer had a sense of direction or purpose. I was also successfully isolated from family, friends, and the wider society. I did not understand what I was going through and my once bubbly and happy personality started to crush under the weight of meeting unrealistic expectations. I was serving another human being as though they were God. Nothing I ever did was good enough either. I didn’t realise at the time I had placed them on the pedestal of my heart and removed God.
Loosing the Lord and seeking help.
My self-esteem started to come from my work. It also came from my ability to cook, clean, or take care of our kids. I was already loosing myself in by our second year. By year five, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My relationship with the Lord was entirely gone. I no longer took my personal bible study seriously. I also didn’t take my prayer life seriously as I had once done in the past. I couldn’t recognise what I liked, how I liked to dress or what I wanted to do on the weekend. I had fully submitted myself to another person who willingly pulled the wool over my eyes and pulled the strings of my heart like an accordion. He would stretch it so terribly far back on days he wasn’t happy with something or someone I speak to. And return the strings back to normal on the days I gave in against my will, just to keep the peace.
I slowly peeled myself back from going out, seeing friends. It eventually seeped into my workplace. The only sense of independence and identity I fought so hard to keep separate. The abuse was now messing up with my source of income. I saw the damage my personal relationships took. I noticed the impact on my relationship with God and my workplace. It dawned on me that I truly needed help, and fast!
Some churches will stand up for the truth no matter what it’ll cost them in tithes or membership. But some others will fold their hands. They will offload this issue because it will roughen their carefully crafted and curated church attendance.
BETHESDA ARK
The church’s involvement.
I write from my experience because I can only talk from what I know. I also write to address the in-action of some church and religious leaders in general. I believe they ignore this epidemic and as such, not confronted, it is almost hidden and accepted behaviour in our churches. This epidemic is inevitably plaguing society. Many church leaders are faced with the moral and spiritual obligations to take care of the wounded, helpless, and needy. However, some decide to turn a blind eye to the very reason Jesus came to earth. He didn’t come for the popular or the perfect, he came for the wounded.
The reason I speak as such is because I did not feel supported or understood when I was in dire need of help. Not all churches are the same. Some will stand up for the truth no matter what it’ll cost them in tithes or membership. But some other churches will fold their hands. They will offload this issue because it will roughen their carefully crafted and curated church attendance. It will disturb their status quo. No one wants to be affiliated with a member scandal in the church. They suggest, ‘why don’t we quietly offload this issue?’.
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What is the Lord’s opinion on abuse in marriage?
I am not one to judge. I believe we are at liberty to speak if something isn’t right in the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 5:12 – 13, ‘what business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. ‘ Expel the wicked person from among you’. Unfortunately, 1 in 4 christian marriages are experiencing abuse (WomanAlive). This cannot be the ideal of God’s heart for christian marriages.
When a couple go to counselling in the church, and the church is privy to some scenarios of abuse, they have a duty of care. The church must safeguard the abused.
BETHESDA ARK
The next scriptures help us understand what God’s ideal is for a healthy christian marriage:
Colossians 3:19, 21: Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Ephesians 5:31: Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
Psalm 11:5: The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.
2 Timothy 3:1-5: But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
Ephesians 4:29-32: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Psalm 9:9: The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 72:13: From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is their blood in His sight.
Prayer and fasting cannot solve a matter when issues have escalated to the point of danger! Statistically, an abused individual does not report abuse until after the 35th occurrence of abuse.
BETHESDA ARK
Unfortunately, an abusive marriage goes against God’s intention for marriage and purposefully chooses violence against their spouse. This is not good but evil in the sight of God. If God will return to judge the earth for its evil ways, He will also judge the first institution. This institution is the one He created in Eden, marriage.
Is the church equipped?
There is hope if the abusive spouse chooses repentance, agrees to go to therapy and deliverance. There is danger yet if they choose un-repentance and expect the status quo to stay the same. When a couple go to counselling in the church, and the church is privy to some scenarios of abuse, they have a duty of care. They must safeguard the abused. Unfortunately, I feel some churches are so religious. They forget to discern the situations properly. They also neglect the needs of the abused individuals. They fail to protect any children that might have come out of this relationship.
Prayer and fasting cannot solve a matter when issues have escalated to the point of danger! Statistically, an abused individual does not report abuse until after the 35th occurrence of abuse (Lincolnshire Domestic Abuse Specialist Services). It is important that the church is equipped spiritually (via discernment by the Holy Spirit) and physically (via safeguarding).
It is unhelpful when the abused is repeatedly asked to return to the abuser without any consequences. This happens because the church says they ‘are married’ and ‘God hates divorce’. Well, God also hates abuse!.
The Believer and the new covenant of love.
When we are born again, the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts (Romans 5:5) and as such, we are called children of God. In James 4:7, we are encouraged to submit to the Lordship of Jesus. Similar advice is given concerning marriage, that is why in Ephesians 5:21, we are encouraged to submit to our spouse. We can only submit to our spouse if we are fully submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Meaning that one can only love their spouse to the extent that they are submitted to Jesus.
Personal relationship with Jesus is paramount to having a successful and Godly marriage that would withstand the test of time.
If one is not born again, they will not be able to comprehend this level of love and will not be able to submit to their spouse in a Godly and unconditional manner. Likewise, if one is born again but does not have a secret place, they may not grow in their faith. They might not develop their relationship with the Lord. As a result, they can start to backslide in their faith. This situation will also affect their relationship with their spouse.
Personal relationship with Jesus is paramount to having a successful and Godly marriage that would withstand the test of time. When we are submitted to God, we have his heart. The Holy Spirit, which has been given to us to fill our hearts with love (Romans 5:5), knows the heart of God (1 Corinthians 2:11). God’s heart towards us is only of good things, ‘the thoughts I have towards you are of good and not of evil to give you an expected end’.
Fulfillment of the old covenant and presenting the new covenant.
Jesus came to fulfill the law of the old covenant. In this covenant, the priests had to make sacrifices or present offerings for the sins of God’s chosen people. Jesus fulfilled the law of Moses by offering himself as a living sacrifice. Without the shedding of blood, there is no remission of sin (Hebrews 9:22).
In a born again believer, the seed to love is in your heart. It is shed abroad by the Holy Spirit. Anyone prone to sin and abuse shows a sinful nature.
For this reason, Christ is the mediator of the new covenant. Those who are called (born again) have received the promised eternal inheritance. He has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant. Hebrews 10:10, ‘ And by that will, we have been made perfect through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all’. The permanence of our salvation is tested daily by our ability to keep to His teachings. That is why we are encouraged to renew our minds daily and be not confirmed to this world.
Since Jesus fulfilled the old covenant of daily sacrifice of bulls and rams for remission of sin, He left us with a new covenant. First, I will put my laws in their hearts and I will write them on their minds. Hebrews 10:16′. He also re-iterates in Matthew 22:37-39, ‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. Additionally, love your neighbour as yourself’. Jesus commandments further re-iterates that we are first needed to love the Lord and then we can love our neighbours. In a born again believer, the seed to love is in your heart. It is shed abroad by the Holy Spirit. Anyone prone to sin and abuse shows a sinful nature. Their actions produce fruits that do not come from the Lord.
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Unfortunately, many people have found themselves cornered in difficult marriages. They are manipulated and controlled so much that they cannot recognize it as abuse anymore. The community of believers must speak and preach on such matters.
BETHESDA ARK
Doing good to one another.
We cannot claim to love the Lord and also harbour hatred in our hearts towards our spouse. We cannot claim to love the Lord and abuse our spouse. We cannot claim to love the Lord and be a shepherd of God’s people and lack the capacity of discernment. We cannot claim to lead God’s people and tolerate wolves in sheep clothing.
Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3: 1-5 about self lovers, proud people, abusive, unholy, unforgiving amongst others. He encourages us to avoid such people. They like to find unsuspecting individuals and gain control. We can see that the heart of Jesus is for the people. He cares for the oppressed, the wounded, the sick, and the demon possessed. Jesus’ ministry was centered around seeing the captives free. He was only capable of healing those that wanted to be healed and set free, because they desired it. Jesus will not force himself to have relationship with anyone that refuses to let Him into theirs hearts.
Unfortunately, many people have found themselves cornered in difficult marriages. They are manipulated and controlled so much that they cannot recognize it as abuse anymore. The community of believers must speak and preach on such matters. Otherwise, the eternal soul of such individuals is at risk if they fall into sin and succumb to it. We are therefore encouraged to do good to one another and be our keepers (Galatians 6:10).
…church leaders are assigned to keep watch over their congregants as those who must give an account. Hebrews 13:17. Leadership fails when they do not follow up. They further fail by sending the victim home with prayers and no safequarding actions where necessary.
BETHESDA ARK
Dealing with the abuser biblically.
It is better to render onto the sinful person the judgment and punishment due if they are unwilling and unrepentant. 2 Thessalonians 3:14, ‘Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, so that they may feel ashamed. Paul also writes in 1 Corinthians 5:5 that it is better to hand over a sinful person to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.
If as leaders, we tolerate sin, we are allowing corruption in the household of God. Hebrews 13:17 also states that church leaders are assigned to keep watch over their congregants as those who must give an account. The church leaders are responsible for helping people in abusive marriages. Their responsibility increases if these individuals seek help, support, and advice. It does not help when leadership ignores the case. It also does not help when they pass the case around, hoping it disappears. Leadership fails when they do not follow up. They further fail by sending the victim home with just prayers and no follow up actions. They are further endangering the victim and any vulnerable persons.
5 Crucial Moves the Church Must Make NOW to Defend Abuse Victims.
1. Church Bylaws.
It is advisable that churches review their bylaws on what they will tolerate in their congregation. They should make this information publicly available to their members and attendees. They could make it available on their website. It can also be shared on social media pages, notice boards, and in the church electronic announcements. Additionally, they might place it in private toilet cubicles and in their house fellowships.
2. Listening to victim.
The victims must feel safe, heard, and supported. Simply sending them home with a list of prayer points is not enough. The real level of danger needs to be assessed. Blaming the victim for the abuse does not help. Ignoring their concerns as trivial could make the abuse worse.
3. Advice on couple counselling in abusive situations.
When it comes to domestic violence, there is an imbalance in power and control between the victim and perpetrator. For this reason, couples counselling is not encouraged. Meaning that the abuser can take tools from the counselling sessions and be better at abusing their victim. Making the abuse worse.
4. Church collaboration with professionals.
Churches are advised to work with local authorities. Most times, they are not equipped to handle matters concerning domestic violence. These situations can be life threatening. Churches are also encouraged to work with professional medical and social practitioners like qualified doctors, social workers and therapists.
Churches are encouraged to be advocates against domestic violence. They should work to dissuade perpetrators from feeling comfortable in their behaviour.
5. Church education.
Churches should also educate teens, young adults, unmarried, and married people. It is important for people to recognize what domestic violence looks like. When people identify it early, they are less likely to fall into destructive and soul-crushing relationships. Churches should also partner with other Christian professionals and bodies. They should tackle this issue head-on. Courses should be offered to team leads, heads of departments, the church board, and their members. This way, everyone can spot and address such issues.
Marriage should not be a one way ticket to hell. It should manifest God’s intended purpose of reflecting God’s glory here on earth.
BETHESDA ARK
Conclusion.
I hoped someone had educated me. I hoped my church had seminars or we were taught these things in school. It is never too late to reform the church. We must combat this rising epidemic of abuse in intimate partner relationships. If the abuser is willing to change their ways, Jesus is ready. He is standing at the door of their hearts to heal them. However, if they are willing to remain in sin and are unrepentant, then we should exclude them from fellowship. This decision is wise for the believers as apostle Paul suggested. Church Leaders, it is time to take action. and that time is NOW!.
Marriage should not be a one way ticket to hell. It should manifest God’s intended purpose of reflecting God’s glory here on earth. The devil hates anything good that God created. Therefore, marriage will always be at the forefront of warfare. But we have overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.
I have made it my mission to see marriages saved and win souls for Christ. I have a heavy burden for marriages facing difficult seasons. These times are tough and challenging. My prayer is that God, in His infinite mercy, makes every crooked path straight. Nevertheless, if the life of anyone in a marriage relationship is at risk, it is better to separate temporarily. Take some time apart. Seek the face of God and He will lead and guide you into all truth. Remember that in the mouths of two to three witnesses, all matters are established.
Susan is a professional who works in business and organisational restructuring. However, over the past 6 years, she’s felt a heavy ministerial burden to reach the wounded through God’s word.
After being in an abusive relationship, she sought the face of the Lord concerning how to repurpose her pain for the benefit of God’s kingdom. She believes she has been called into a unique position to reach out to people, particularly those who find themselves in wrong relationships.
She wants you to know that God hears your prayers. He wants to encourage you to not give up or give in. He wants to heal the brokenhearted and restore you to your rightful place. He wants to bind up your wounds and strengthen you in His love and set you free.
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