- What makes a relationship toxic?
- What are the 10 destructive patterns in a toxic relationship?
- Summary of 10 Toxic Relationship Patterns.
- Helpful Resources.
- See Related Posts.
- Don’t Miss Out! Join Our Newsletter and Transform Lives Today!
- Other Articles in BETHESDA ARK
What makes a relationship toxic?
Relationships become toxic when we can identify repeated harmful patterns and behaviours. Without true repentance, such harmful patterns continue, creating a fear-based marriage devoid of respect.
If this defines your experience, then you could be in a toxic relationship. Unfortunately, if you come from a toxic background, you are lacking discernment because you were trained to accept abusive behaviour. Having a close relationship with the Holy Spirit is important for discernment. Also, fellowship with Jesus in your secret place can expose the lies of the toxic individual.
What are the 10 destructive patterns in a toxic relationship?
Ephesians 4:3 NIV. “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace“. When both individuals strive to maintain this bond and embrace their roles as peacemakers, the 10 signs outlined below may not manifest in their relationship. However, if we find ourselves acknowledging one or more of these signs, it gently reminds us that we may be stepping away from the love and peace we are encouraged to embody.
1. Lack of Respect for Boundaries.
Proverbs 22:3, NIV. The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Boundaries are important for maintaining individuality, and are expected to be established in any healthy relationship. We see in Proverbs 22:3 that the prudent suffer for continuing with a plan, knowing it’s not the best option. They are aware, of the risk, yet they proceed and face the consequences.
God also set boundaries for the sea in Proverb 8:29. The Hebrew word for boundary is “chok” meaning “limits”. God expects us to also set limits to guard our hearts in our relationships. Out of the heart flows the issues of life. We are not expected to tolerate behaviours that encroach on our unique and God given characteristics. Boundaries are important to safeguard our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing.
2. Constant Criticism and Belittling.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. In this verses of scripture, we see what love is. The opposite of true love is where there is constant criticism and put downs. Nothing one ever does is good enough. Over time such behaviours can wear out the soul because no matter how hard you try to gain their validation, they are never satisfied.
It is written that a gentle answer steers away wrath but a cruel response stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:18. A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. Consistent and constant conflict leads to a hostile environment and it is not healthy to continue in such situations. Prayerfully bring this matter up and address this behaviour with grace.
3. Manipulation and Control.
Ephesians 5:21, NIV. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Many times, people jump ahead to verse 22 of Ephesians chapter 5. Before the instruction was given to wives to submit, we are first told to submit one to another out of reverence for Christ. In my personal time of studying scriptures, the Lord led me to compare this verse to James 4:7. We are encouraged to submit ourselves to God, resist the devil and he would flee.
An unhealthy relationship dynamic would try to use ungodly methods like cohersive control, manipulation, lies and deception to use someone else to achieve their goals. We are not expected to manipulate and control another human. Even God does not manipulate and control us hence why he has given us free will to choose (Deuteronomy 11:32).
4. Lack of Love and Respect
Ephesians 5:33, NIV. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Though husbands are required to love their wives and wives to submit to their husbands, I also think the opposite is relevant. Jesus explains that if we (believers) are able to love, we have fulfilled the law and prophecy because these two hang on loving the Lord and others. (Matthew 22:40). Likewise, we (believers) are instructed to show respect for all people, love our brothers, fear God and honour the king in 1 Peter 2:17.
So therefore, scriptures can also be applied to husbands to respect their wives and wives to love their husbands. In Ephesians 5, Paul was writing particularly to the church and giving them instructions for christian living. I believe that the emphasis for men to love and women to respect is because men naturally respect because that is what they desire and women naturally love (and nuture) because this is what they desire. Where there is a lack of love and respect in any relationship, we cannot achieve our full potential. We cannot attain all that God created us to be.
5. Unforgiveness and Holding Grudges.
Colossians 3:13, NIV. Bear with each other and forgive one another if you have a grievance. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. In an unhealthy relationship, this is not the case. Unforgiveness and malice take root in the heart of the offended person. Because they struggle to process their emotions and lack self-reflection, they often believe they are right.
In these relationships, even though the Bible tells us not to let anger linger, feelings of malice can persist for days or weeks. Often, the person who apologizes is met with silence, stonewalling, and avoidance at home. In public, they are friendly with everyone else, leaving you confused about what you’ve done wrong. The problem lies with the toxic individual, not you. Over time, these relationships remain stuck because issues are not addressed properly, preventing any progress.
6. Selfishness.
Philippians 2:3, NIV. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Selfishness is a work of the flesh. Galatians 5:19 admonishes that those who act in the flesh will not inherit the kingdom of God. When selfishness is present in a relationship, love is absent. We are encouraged to place others above ourselves in humility 1 Corinthians 13:5.
For where there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there is disorder and evil (James 3:16 NLT). For Godly order to exist, selfishness must be set aside. Selfishness focuses only on its own desires and ignores the needs of others. It harms relationships and dishonors both the other person and God.
7. Abuse.
Proverbs 15:1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Abuse can be termed as the mismanagement of resources. In intimate partner relationships, marriage, parent-child or work relationships, we find that this same scenario plays out where there is a power control dynamic. The perpetrator would most times have one form of power or control over the other. Abuse can take any form.
Physical abuse is often seen as the only or most recognized form of abuse, but this perception is misleading. It’s important to understand that emotional and psychological abuse can leave deep and long-lasting scars that are just as damaging, if not more so, than physical harm. I write this not to diminish the serious effects of any type of abuse, but to emphasize that all forms of abuse are unacceptable and should never be tolerated under any circumstance. Other forms of abuse, including financial, sexual, spiritual, and verbal, can profoundly affect a person’s well-being, and acknowledging this is crucial in fostering understanding and compassion.
Please seek help right away if your life is in danger or you are in an abusive situation. Refer to some helpful resources below.
God does not accept abuse. People often think they should just pray and wait for God to change the abuser’s heart. However, while God answers prayers, we have free will and can resist change. If someone has a hardened heart, even the best prayers may not affect them. Sometimes, God instructs us to stop praying for those who repeatedly sin and refuse to change (1 John 5:16). Your safety is more important than staying in a harmful environment ❤️
8. Secrecy and Lack of Accountability.
James 5:16, NIV. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. We are encouraged to confess our sins to one another so that we may be healed and receive compassion from the Lord.
In an unhealthy relationship, secrecy occurs when one partner won’t admit mistakes or ask for forgiveness, hindering growth and healing. For instance, if you gently question your partner about keeping late nights and they avoid the topic or downplay it, they might be hiding something that could harm the relationship and potentially put you at risk. Pray about this issue, and the Lord will give you insight to handle the situation.
9. Isolation
Proverbs 18:1, NIV. An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels. This person is pressured to cut off connections with friends, family, or church, separating them from a healthy support system. God did not intend for man to be alone. When God saw Adam alone, He said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a suitable helper for him” (Genesis 2:18). Before ascending to heaven, Jesus promised that He would send the Holy Spirit to guide believers into all truth. The Lord understood that we would need support.
Manipulation and bad advice flourish in isolation. When alone, false beliefs can seem like the truth. If an enemy targets someone, they first cut off their support network. Then, they start their harmful work of manipulation and control. If you find yourself constantly trying to please someone who never seems satisfied and discourages your community and family connections, they are unknowingly working against you.
10. Chronic Dishonesty.
Lack of Trust stems from dishonesty and deceit. Jeremiah 17:9 … “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” This verse highlights that we cannot trust our hearts because it is wicked. Contrary to popular belief, following your heart is a very bad decision. I explain why below.
When we are born again, we become translated from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of God and His son, Jesus Christ. We are sealed with the promised Holy Spirit who is our guarantee that we are children of God. In our new birth, we are dead to our flesh and made alive in Christ. We are no longer ours because Christ has purchased us for a price by shedding His blood on the cross. The beauty is in the transformation of our hearts and mind. When we receive the Holy Spirit, he sheds the love of God abroad in our hearts so that now, though we were separated from God because of our sinful nature, by grace we have been reconciled back to the father and can call him “Abba, Father”.
There is hope for a renewed heart, and we are encouraged to refresh our minds with God’s word. The Holy Spirit within us communicates with the spirit of God. By sensing this Spirit, we can follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit living in us. In a toxic situation, honesty and trust are replaced by lies and deceit, leading to discouragement in confronting bad behavior. Instead, we may feel pressured to accept lies as truth. This is deception, which manipulates and rebels against the truth. You are not expected to tolerate such behaviours.
Summary of 10 Toxic Relationship Patterns.
Ephesians 4:3 NIV. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. It’s important to remember that if both individuals strive to maintain this bond of peace and actively embrace being peacemakers in their relationship, the 10 signs mentioned earlier may not need to manifest at all. When we begin to notice one or more of these signs, it serves as a gentle reminder that we might be straying from the path of love and peace that we are encouraged to follow. Let’s be kind to ourselves in these moments of reflection and seek ways to re-establish harmony.
Helpful Resources.
Christian Counselling and Therapy
Other Useful Organisations
Don’t Miss Out! Join Our Newsletter and Transform Lives Today!
Susan is a professional who works in business and organisational restructuring. However, over the past 6 years, she’s felt a heavy ministerial burden to reach the wounded through God’s word. After being in an abusive relationship, she sought the face of the Lord concerning how to repurpose her pain for the benefit of God’s kingdom. She believes she has been called into a unique position to reach out to people, particularly those who find themselves in wrong relationships. She wants you to know that God hears your prayers. He wants to encourage you to not give up or give in. He wants to heal the brokenhearted and restore you to your rightful place. He wants to bind up your wounds and strengthen you in His love and set you free. To keep up, follow my social media pages. Feel free to contact me below and sign up for our weekly letters.
