How to stop people pleasing and live your best life – Series, part 3
Join me as I challenge myself to break free from the people pleaser trap and learn to say no! Last time, I shared the second part of a series. It discussed how people pleasing became a learned habit for many individuals. I also explored its root in co-dependency, touched on the negative effects and how adverse childhood impacts play a role in this behaviour. I also shared my personal experience at the end and encouraged you to reclaim your life and challenge these behaviours. You can find out more HERE.
In this article, I address the importance of setting healthy boundaries. I explain what boundaries are and why they are important for overall health and well being. I also highlight signs of boundary violations, the different types of boundaries. I discuss practical steps you can start implementing today, give you a heads up on potential resistance and most importantly, encourage you to seek God’s guidance in this new venture.
- How to stop people pleasing and live your best life – Series, part 3
- 1. What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
- 2. Identify Where You Need Boundaries
- 3. Start Small and Be Clear About Your Boundaries
- 4. Expect Resistance and Stand Firm
- 5. Be Consistent- Why Boundaries Only Work If You Enforce Them
- Seek God’s Strength and Surround Yourself with Support
- Watch the Summary Here on YouTube.
- Final Thoughts & Call to Action
- Related Articles
Setting Healthy Boundaries: A Guide for Those Healing from Toxic Relationships
Coming out of a toxic relationship can leave you feeling drained, confused, and unsure of how to protect yourself moving forward. One of the most critical steps in your healing journey is learning to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries can be defined int his context as; clear limits that protect your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.
Many people coming from unhealthy relationships struggle with setting boundaries because they were conditioned to put others first, suppress their needs, or tolerate mistreatment. But setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s an essential act of self-care and a biblical principle that honors both you and the people in your life.
If you’ve struggled with saying no, feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself, or allowing others to cross your limits, this guide will help you take practical steps to build stronger, healthier boundaries.
1. What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
Boundaries are the personal limits we set in relationships to protect our well-being. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in how others treat us, and they help us take responsibility for our own feelings and actions while ensuring that others do the same.
Why Boundaries Are Important:
- Emotional Well-Being: Boundaries help prevent emotional exhaustion, manipulation, and resentment.
- Mental Health: Clear limits reduce anxiety and stress by protecting your peace.
- Physical Health: They ensure your body gets the rest, space, and care it needs.
- Spiritual Growth: Healthy boundaries create space for you to hear from God and walk in His purpose, rather than being consumed by unhealthy relationships.
Biblical Perspective: Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Setting boundaries is a way of guarding your heart from unhealthy influences and toxic cycles.
Common Signs of Weak Boundaries:
- You say yes when you really want to say no
- You feel guilty when you take time for yourself
- You tolerate disrespect because you fear conflict
- You allow others to dictate your decisions and emotions
Setting boundaries is about protecting your peace and ensuring that you engage in relationships that uplift, rather than drain you.
2. Identify Where You Need Boundaries
Reflect on areas in your life where you feel overwhelmed, resentful, or emotionally exhausted. These are often signs that you need stronger boundaries.
Different Areas to Set Boundaries:
- Time – Are you constantly overcommitting because you feel obligated to say yes?
- Communication – Do certain people always demand your attention, even when you need space?
- Respect – Are there people who make you feel small, criticized, or ignored?
- Physical Space – Do you feel uncomfortable with how others treat you?
- Emotional Space – Do you feel uncomfortable with how others invade your privacy?
Take some time to evaluate which areas in your life need clearer boundaries.
3. Start Small and Be Clear About Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you need to make drastic changes overnight. Start with small steps and work your way up.
Practical Steps to Begin:
- Practice saying no – Instead of over-explaining, simply say, “I can’t commit to that right now.”
- Use “I” statements – Instead of blaming, express your needs clearly: “I need some time to rest, so I won’t be able to help today.”
- Write down your limits – Clarifying your boundaries on paper can help you stay firm when you feel pressure to give in.
Example: Enforcing Boundaries in Your Self-Care Routine
If you find yourself constantly exhausted because you put everyone else’s needs before your own, start by setting a boundary around your rest time.
- Step 1: Choose a dedicated time for self-care each day, even if it’s just 30 minutes.
- Step 2: Inform those around you of your boundary. For example, tell your family, “I will be unavailable from 8-8:30 PM each evening for my personal time.”
- Step 3: Follow through. If someone tries to interrupt, remind them gently: “I’m in my quiet time right now. Let’s talk after.”
Small steps like these reinforce your right to prioritize your well-being.
Example:
If a friend frequently calls you late at night, disrupting your rest, set a boundary: “I value our conversations, but I won’t be available after 9 PM. Let’s talk earlier in the day instead.”
4. Expect Resistance and Stand Firm
Not everyone will respect your boundaries immediately, especially if they were used to taking advantage of your kindness. Some may guilt-trip, manipulate, or push back against your new limits.
How to Handle Pushback:
- Stay firm – Just because someone is upset doesn’t mean you need to change your boundary.
- Don’t over-explain – A simple “This doesn’t work for me” is enough.
- Remove toxic influences – If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, it may be necessary to distance yourself from them.
Example:
If a toxic ex-partner tries to guilt-trip you into engaging with them, firmly state your boundary: “I am choosing to move forward and won’t be communicating anymore.”
5. Be Consistent- Why Boundaries Only Work If You Enforce Them
One of the biggest challenges in setting boundaries is sticking to them. It’s easy to set a boundary once, but if you keep making exceptions, people will learn that they can push past your limits.
Why Consistency Matters:
- It teaches others how to treat you – When people see you consistently uphold your boundaries, they are more likely to respect them.
- It builds self-trust – Every time you enforce a boundary, you reinforce your own self-worth.
- It prevents emotional exhaustion – Wavering on your boundaries keeps you in toxic cycles of guilt and over-explaining.
How to Stay Consistent:
- Repeat your boundary without apology – If someone challenges your limit, calmly restate it: “I understand that you’re upset, but this is what I need.”
- Follow through with consequences – If someone disrespects your boundary, take action. For example, if a friend keeps showing up unannounced, stop answering the door.
- Remind yourself why you set the boundary – When you feel tempted to backtrack, ask yourself: “Is breaking this boundary worth sacrificing my peace?”
Example:
If you told a friend you’re unavailable after 9 PM, but they continue to text you late at night, do not respond. If you answer “just this once,” they’ll assume the boundary isn’t serious. Instead, address it directly the next day: “I won’t be responding to late-night messages anymore. Let’s talk earlier in the day.”
Consistency reinforces your self-respect and helps establish healthy, lasting boundaries.
Seek God’s Strength and Surround Yourself with Support
Healing from a toxic relationship and setting boundaries isn’t always easy, but you don’t have to do it alone. Lean on God’s wisdom and guidance as you learn to navigate relationships in a healthier way.
Ways to Stay Strong in Your Boundaries:
- Pray for discernment – Ask God to reveal relationships that no longer serve your growth.
- Surround yourself with godly support – Seek friends, mentors, or a counselor who can encourage you.
- Meditate on scripture – Read verses that remind you of your worth and strength (e.g., 2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 4:13).
Example:
Instead of feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself, remind yourself: “God has called me to peace, not to constantly sacrifice my well-being for others” (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Watch the Summary Here on YouTube.
Final Thoughts & Call to Action
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a journey, but it’s one that leads to freedom, peace, and stronger relationships. By understanding what boundaries are, identifying where you need them, starting small, standing firm, and seeking God’s guidance, you can create a life that aligns with His purpose for you.
Have you struggled with setting boundaries?
Share your experience in the comments below—your story might encourage someone else!
If this article helped you, pass it along to a friend or loved one who needs it. Let’s support one another in building healthier, God-centered relationships.
