Understanding Trauma Bonds – Series, part 1
Last time, we discussed in detail the origin, impact and how to overcome people-pleasing. I also outlined four key areas to consider: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. In my study time, I realised that people-pleasing is a habit. This habit most times forms as a result of a trauma response to a negative past experience. You can find out more HERE.
It turns out that trauma bonding could be a by-product of people-pleasing if not addressed early in life. In this article, I explore trauma bonds, which are emotional connections formed between a victim and their abuser, complicating the exit from toxic relationships. We would discuss their origins, development through cycles of abuse, and the importance of recognizing these patterns for healing.
Understanding Trauma Bonds: Origins and Formation
- Understanding Trauma Bonds – Series, part 1
- Introduction
- What is a Trauma Bond?
- The Origins of Trauma Bonds
- How Trauma Bonds Form
- Conclusion
- Pray for Strength and Guidance
- Watch the Summary Here on YouTube.
- Final Thoughts & Call to Action
- Related Articles
Introduction
Trauma bonds are a painful yet deeply ingrained connection that forms between a person and an abuser. These bonds can make it incredibly difficult for someone to break free from toxic relationships, even when they recognize the harm being done.
Understanding trauma bonds is essential for healing and personal growth. As Christians, we know that God desires for us to walk in freedom and love, not in bondage to emotional pain. The Bible reminds us in John 8:36, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
This article will explore what trauma bonds are, their origins, and how they form. As you read, reflect on your experiences and share your thoughts. Have you or someone you know struggled with a trauma bond? Your testimony may help someone else find clarity and healing.
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment. It develops between a person and their abuser. This often occurs due to cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness. Instead of forming a healthy, loving connection, the victim becomes psychologically dependent on the abuser. They also develop emotional reliance. Despite the pain they experience, they feel unable to leave.
Trauma bonds can form in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family dynamics, or even workplace environments. Unlike healthy attachments, which are based on mutual respect and love, trauma bonds thrive on control, fear, and manipulation.
From a biblical perspective, we see how manipulation and toxic relationships have existed throughout history. In Judges 16, Delilah’s betrayal of Samson is a prime example of a toxic attachment where emotional dependence led to destruction. God calls us to wisdom and discernment in our relationships, steering clear of those that enslave rather than edify us (Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”).
The Origins of Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds often originate in childhood or past experiences of abuse. Many people who struggle with trauma bonds were raised in environments where love was conditional, unpredictable, or absent altogether. They may have experienced:
1. Neglect
Growing up in a home where emotional needs were not met can lead to seeking validation from unhealthy sources, which may include toxic relationships, excessive social media use, or unhealthy coping mechanisms that ultimately hinder personal growth and emotional well-being.
2. Inconsistent Affection
Experiencing love and kindness inconsistently creates a deep longing for approval, making it difficult to recognize manipulation. This cycle can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as individuals find themselves constantly seeking validation from others, often overlooking their own needs and boundaries. The unpredictability of affection can distort one’s perception of healthy relationships, causing a struggle to differentiate between genuine care and insincere gestures. Consequently, this longing may cause emotional dependency, where the desire for acceptance overshadows the ability to assert oneself and discern toxic behavior, further complicating interpersonal interactions and self-worth.
3. Manipulation and Control
Those who were controlled or gaslighted in their youth often repeat these patterns in adulthood, unconsciously recreating toxic dynamics that mirror their past experiences. These individuals may find themselves drawn to relationships that invoke similar feelings of manipulation and confusion, believing that this is the norm for interpersonal connections. This cyclical behavior can lead to a profound struggle with self-esteem and trust, as they grapple with the lingering effects of their formative years. In seeking validation and acceptance, they might overlook red flags in their relationships, ultimately perpetuating a cycle that leaves them feeling trapped and disoriented. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free and fostering healthier relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
When someone grows up believing that love and pain are intertwined, they are more likely to accept relationships that mirror this dynamic. The enemy uses deception to make us believe we are unworthy of healthy love, but God’s Word assures us otherwise: Jeremiah 31:3, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
How Trauma Bonds Form
Trauma bonds develop through a cycle of abuse that keeps a person emotionally entangled with their abuser. Here’s how this process typically unfolds:
1. Love Bombing
The abuser starts by showering the victim with excessive affection, attention, and promises of love, making them feel special and deeply valued. This initial phase often creates a sense of euphoria and emotional high, leading the victim to believe they have found a soulmate. The abuser meticulously crafts a narrative of idealization, using compliments and heartfelt declarations to build a strong emotional connection. Over time, this overwhelming affection can cloud the victim’s judgment, making them increasingly dependent on the abuser’s approval and affection.
As the victim begins to invest their emotions, they may overlook red flags, rationalizing any disturbing behavior as mere love or jealousy. This foundation of skewed love manipulates the victim’s sense of reality, setting the stage for potential emotional and psychological manipulation that follows.
2. Devaluation
The abuser begins to introduce isolation, manipulation, criticism, and control, creating confusion and self-doubt in the victim. This toxic dynamic often escalates as the abuser employs various tactics to undermine the victim’s sense of reality, making them question their thoughts and feelings. Over time, the victim may find themselves increasingly isolated, unable to trust their own judgment, and feeling trapped in a cycle of fear and uncertainty.
As the abuser uses subtle threats and constant criticism, the victim’s self-esteem drops. This will cause a deep sense of helplessness and despair that is hard to overcome.
3. Intermittent Re-Inforcement
The cycle alternates between kindness and cruelty, creating an emotional landscape that keeps the victim in a constant state of confusion and anxiety, leaving them feeling emotionally off-balance. If this scenario continues, it might eventually cement a state of confusion in the mind of the victim.
During the moments of kindness, the victim may cling to hope, believing that this time things will truly improve, only to be met once again with harshness that crushes their spirits.
This push and pull not only creates an unhealthy dependency but also distorts their perception of reality, making them question their own worth and judgment. In such an environment, the prospect of stability becomes a distant dream, and the relentless cycle between affection and disregard leaves a significant mark on their emotional well-being.
4. Dependency and Submission
The victim becomes emotionally reliant on the abuser, believing they cannot function without them. This dependency often manifests itself in a variety of ways, where the victim starts to doubt their own abilities and self-worth, feeling as though their happiness is inextricably linked to the presence and approval of the abuser.
Over time, the victim may isolate themselves from friends and family, further strengthening the grip of the abuser over their emotional landscape. As a result, the victim may find it increasingly difficult to make decisions or pursue their own interests, living in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty about the relationship’s stability, ultimately leading to a cycle of emotional manipulation that is hard to break free from.
5. Fear and Guilt
The abuser instills fear of abandonment, rejection, or punishment, making it hard for the victim to leave. This manipulation often grows more intense over time, as the victim becomes increasingly isolated from friends and family, further intensifying the emotional grip the abuser has on them.
The constant threats and emotional sabotage create a toxic environment where the victim feels trapped, unsure of their own worth and fearful of facing the world outside the relationship. This cycle of fear and dependency can leave the victim struggling to recognize the abuse for what it is, and they may internalize the abuser’s negative perceptions, believing they deserve this treatment.
The trauma bond strengthens through these repeated cycles, making the victim feel powerless to escape. However, God calls us to walk in truth and freedom. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
Conclusion
Trauma bonds are powerful, but they are not unbreakable. Recognizing their presence is the first step toward healing and freedom. By understanding how trauma bonds form and where they originate, we can begin to untangle ourselves from toxic relationships and step into the love and security God intends for us.
If you have ever struggled with a trauma bond, know that you are not alone. God’s love is greater than any chain that binds us, and His desire is for us to live in wholeness and peace.
I invite you to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. Have you recognized these patterns in your life or in the life of someone close to you? How has God helped you find healing? Your story may be the encouragement someone else needs to take their first step toward freedom.
Pray for Strength and Guidance
Let us hold onto the truth found in Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Together, through faith and understanding, we can break free from trauma bonds and walk in the fullness of God’s love.
Watch the Summary Here on YouTube.
Final Thoughts & Call to Action
Let us hold onto the truth found in Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Together, through faith and understanding, we can break free from trauma bonds and walk in the fullness of God’s love.
