Part 4: Anxiety and Attachment — Are We Loving or Clinging?
part 4 of 7 part series on Anxious for Nothing: Finding Peace in God’s Design for Relationships.
By Susan Adeyemi, Christian Counsellor, Life Coach & Author
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
— Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
We all long to be close to those we love. But sometimes, our desire for connection can cross the line into unhealthy territory—not because we’re weak or broken, but because we’re anxious.
In this fourth part of our series on anxiety, we’re diving into the connection between anxiety and attachment—specifically, how our anxious patterns can lead us to cling, over-function, or even smother the very people we care about.
Let’s talk about how anxious attachment styles affect relationships, and how the Bible offers us a beautiful blueprint for loving others freely, without fear.
- Part 4: Anxiety and Attachment — Are We Loving or Clinging?
📌 What Is Anxious Attachment?
According to Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heler in the book ‘Attached’, anxious attachment is a relational style often formed in early life when emotional needs weren’t consistently met. As adults, this can show up as:
- A deep fear of abandonment or rejection.
- Overthinking and obsessing about relationships.
- Needing constant reassurance or validation.
- Struggling with boundaries or being alone.
- Becoming overly involved in others’ emotions or problems.
While it’s rooted in a longing for connection, anxious attachment often produces the opposite effect: it pushes people away rather than drawing them closer.
Loving vs. Clinging: What’s the Difference?
It’s easy to confuse love with need, closeness with control, or intimacy with dependence.
Here’s a quick comparison:
| Loving | Clinging |
|---|---|
| Builds connection | Demands closeness |
| Trusts God with outcomes | Fears being alone or left |
| Respects boundaries | Resists separation |
| Gives space to grow | Suffocates or over-functions |
| Seeks peace | Fears disconnection |
When fear, not faith, drives how we relate to others, we begin to cling. We may call it loyalty, concern, or deep love—but it’s often anxiety disguised as devotion.
Biblical Examples: Trusting Love Over Fearful Clinging
🔹 Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1)
Ruth’s famous declaration, “Where you go, I will go,” wasn’t rooted in desperation, but in loyalty and faith. Even in loss, she chose to walk in love—not to fill a void, but to honor God.
“Your people will be my people, and your God my God.” — Ruth 1:16
Takeaway: God-honoring attachment isn’t driven by fear, but by purpose and faith.
🔹 Jesus and Boundaries (Luke 5:15–16)
Even Jesus, constantly surrounded by need, would withdraw to quiet places. He didn’t meet every demand or emotionally over-identify with others’ pain. He modeled healthy limits and perfect love.
“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” — Luke 5:16
Takeaway: Love includes limits. Boundaries are not unkind—they’re wise and necessary.
🔹 Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38–42)
Martha was busy serving, perhaps in part from a desire to please Jesus. But Mary chose presence over performance. Jesus gently corrected Martha, reminding her that one thing was needed.
“Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Takeaway: Anxious attachment often leads us to “do” instead of simply “be.” God invites us to rest in Him first.
Why Do We Cling?
Behind anxious attachment is usually a fear-based lie, such as:
- “If I’m not always available, they’ll leave.”
- “If I don’t fix it, they’ll stop needing me.”
- “If I set boundaries, they’ll think I don’t love them.”
But Scripture reminds us that our worth and security are not anchored in people—but in Christ.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love.” — Jeremiah 31:3
“Perfect love casts out fear.” — 1 John 4:18
💡We don’t have to perform to be loved.
💡We don’t have to cling to feel secure.
💡We are already fully known and deeply loved by the One who never changes or leaves.
Steps Toward Secure, Faith-Filled Attachment
If you see anxious attachment in your life or relationships, don’t be discouraged. Healing is possible—and it begins with awareness and surrender.
Here’s how to begin:
1. Name the Pattern
Be honest with yourself and God. Ask, “Am I loving from faith or clinging from fear?”
2. Practice Spiritual Anchoring
Daily ground your identity in God’s love. Memorize verses that affirm your value and His presence.
3. Learn Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are not rejection—they’re wisdom. They protect connection and invite mutual respect.
4. Talk It Out
Discuss your attachment patterns with a trusted friend, counsellor, or mentor. Healing grows in safe, honest spaces.
5. Let Love Flow From God First
We can’t expect others to fill us in ways only God can. The more we receive His love, the less we’ll cling to others for validation.
Use the “ANXIETY AWARENESS CHECKLIST” to practically assess where anxiety is ruling your daily life; affecting your emotions and impacting your thoughts ad behaviours.
Let’s Reflect
- Are there relationships where you’re loving—or clinging?
- How has anxiety shaped your ability to trust, rest, or let go?
- What might God be inviting you to release today?
Join the Conversation
Have you struggled with anxious attachment or fear of abandonment in relationships?
Have you experienced the freedom that comes from trusting God with your heart?
Share your story in the comments below. Your vulnerability might be the very thing someone else needs to find hope.
💬 Comment your thoughts
📲 Share this article with someone who needs encouragement
🔔 Subscribe to get notified when Part 5 is published: “Learning to Rest: Receiving God’s Peace in a Restless World.”
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing… He restores my soul.” — Psalm 23:1–3
God is not asking you to hold everything together. He’s inviting you to rest in His love, trust His timing, and let go of anxious striving.
He is the anchor your soul has been looking for.
