Breaking Free from Psychological Control and Emotional Captivity
By Susan Adeyemi, Counsellor, & Author
- Why Being in an Abusive Relationship Can Sometimes Feel Like You’re in a Cult
- The Slow Erosion of Independence
- Isolation as a Tool
- Rewriting Reality
- Surviving on Conditional Love and Fear
- Identity Loss
- Why It’s So Hard to Leave
- Reclaiming Yourself
- Conclusion: Walking Into Freedom
- Related Articles
Abusive relationships are often misunderstood as simply unhealthy or toxic, but for many survivors, the experience runs far deeper, mirroring the psychological control seen in cult environments. In this article, I explore similarities between the two, revealing how manipulation, isolation, and conditioning can gradually reshape a person’s thoughts, behaviours, and sense of self. By drawing on psychological research and real-world examples, I aim to shed light on why these relationships can feel so consuming and difficult to leave. I use some scenarios and draw on examples from my own experience of why I found it difficult to leave in the first few years.
More importantly, in this article, I aim to reframe the narrative. Rather than asking why someone stayed, I uncover the powerful forces that kept them there. In doing so,I aim to offer both clarity and compassion, helping readers understand the complexity of abuse, while pointing towards the possibility of healing, recovery, and rediscovering one’s identity beyond the relationship.
In other articles, I talk about narcissistic abuse and how to heal from it. I refer to narcissistic abuse because when an individual becomes free of that experience, one of the emotions they would come in contact with as they begin healing is a sense of deep betrayal. They may have questions like, ‘was the relationship ever real’, ‘did the accused know all along that he/she was not invested long term in the relationship?’, ‘was I deceived all those years?’. I also share a brief snippet of my own personal story, and some difficult emotions I had to wrestle with on the onset of my healing journey – HERE.
Why Being in an Abusive Relationship Can Sometimes Feel Like You’re in a Cult
At first glance, abusive relationships and cults may seem like entirely different experiences. One is typically private, unfolding between individuals behind closed doors; the other is often public, involving organized groups with shared beliefs. Yet, for those who have lived through an abusive relationship, the comparison is not just metaphorical, it can feel very real and, accurate.
Psychologists and researchers have increasingly explored these parallels. Experts such as Margaret Singer, known for her work on coercive persuasion, and Steven Hassan, who developed the BITE Model (Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control), describe systems of influence that apply not only to cults but also to abusive interpersonal dynamics. These frameworks reveal that control is rarely about force alone, it is about shaping perception, dependency, and identity over time.
Understanding this overlap is not about exaggeration. It is about recognising patterns of control, manipulation, and psychological conditioning that can occur in both environments, whether within a group or a one-on-one relationship. These similarities help explain why leaving is so complex, and why the effects often linger long after the relationship ends.
The Slow Erosion of Independence
Cults rarely recruit people through force. Instead, they rely on gradual psychological engagement, offering belonging, purpose, or certainty. A well-known example is the Peoples Temple, where individuals were initially drawn in by messages of equality and community before control intensified under Jim Jones.
Abusive relationships often begin in a strikingly similar way. Early stages are frequently marked by intense affection and attention, commonly referred to as love bombing. The partner may appear deeply attentive, emotionally available, and fully invested, creating a powerful sense of connection and safety.
However, psychological research helps explain why this phase is so impactful. Studies on intermittent reinforcement, rooted in B. F. Skinner’s behavioural theory, show that inconsistent rewards actually strengthen emotional attachment more than consistent ones. The early “high” of the relationship becomes something the individual later feels driven to regain.
Over time, the warmth begins to shift. Praise is replaced with criticism. Control creeps in subtly:
- “I just worry about your friends, they don’t seem good for you.”
- “Your friends and family are jealous of us, they don’t mean well. I don’t want you to see them anymore. You only need to listen to me because I have the solutions to the problem of this marriage.”
- “Why do you need to go out without me?”
These are not immediate demands, but small nudges that gradually reshape behaviour. Like in cult indoctrination, the aim is not instant domination but slow compliance. By the time the control becomes obvious, it often feels normal, because it has been introduced incrementally.
Initially, I saw theses comments as. a way of protecting me. Unfortunately, each time I gave a little, he took a mile. And each time a new scenario played out, he took even more. Slowly, I lost a sense of my self, my likes, dislikes, beliefs. I eventually relented to always seeking his advice before making a decision.
Isolation as a Tool
Isolation is one of the most powerful mechanisms shared between cults and abusive relationships. In both contexts, cutting someone off from outside perspectives increases dependence and vulnerability.
Research into coercive control shows that restricting access to social networks significantly heightens susceptibility to influence. Cults such as NXIVM, led by Keith Raniere, deliberately separated members from family and dissenting voices, reinforcing loyalty and dependence on the group.
In abusive relationships, isolation may appear less overt but functions in much the same way:
- Creating conflict before social events so you stop attending them.
- Framing loved ones as “toxic,” disloyal, or against the relationship.
- Making external connections feel emotionally draining or not worth the effort
Over time, the individual’s world begins to shrink. The abuser becomes the central, sometimes only, source of validation, emotional connection, and identity.
This dynamic aligns with attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, which explains the human need for closeness and security. When that attachment becomes controlled and exclusive, it can override logic and make separation feel emotionally threatening.
In my experience, I was constantly being told not to speak to family, friends, distance myself from volunteering initiatives or business ideas that my friends and I had started. I was constantly being told loved ones were against me, against him, against the marriage to the extent that I felt I could only gain peace if I truly cut them off by deleting their phone numbers, avoid attending functions, blocking them from calling me or messaging me and removing myself from social scenes. And I did but it was never enough.
There was an occasion in November 2022 whereby he picked a fight with me before attending a women’s conference. I was not allowed to go and I forfeited the money I paid, just because he didn’t want me speaking to people about what he was doing at home behind closed doors. At times, when I started a business with friends, two separate friends, one in May 2020 and another in August 2020, he constantly criticised them and made them as though they planned to cheat me. We hadn’t even stated making any money at this point, I always wondered why he didn’t like me being around people at the time. However, because I was married to him and loved him, I didn’t think much of it. There were also instances when I sought help against his will from counsellors and friends. Each time I did, I was punished with the silent treatment for days and weeks on end. He won’t speak to me and keep me at a arms length. Will also avoid helping around the house or support in shared responsibilities.
Rewriting Reality
One of the most destabilising aspects of both cults and abusive relationships is the manipulation of reality.
In cult environments, leaders often control narratives, what is true, what is false, and how events should be interpreted. Members are taught to filter their experiences through the group’s ideology. This dynamic was illustrated in the Stanford Prison Experiment, led by Philip Zimbardo, which demonstrated how quickly individuals conform to imposed roles and constructed realities.
In abusive relationships, this manifests through gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where reality is denied or distorted:
“That never happened.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re imagining things.”
Over time, this creates confusion and deep self-doubt. You may begin to question your own memory, judgment, and even sanity.
This process is closely linked to cognitive dissonance, a concept introduced by Leon Festinger. When conflicting beliefs exist, such as “they love me” and “they hurt me”, the mind often resolves the tension by reshaping beliefs rather than confronting painful truths. As a result, victims may minimise harm or defend the abuser, because accepting reality would require a far more difficult emotional reckoning.
When your sense of reality is destabilised, you become more reliant on the person distorting it. And for me, this looked like an incident when he was purposefully speeding in the car out of anger and to scare me because I refused to bend to a demand that made him uncomfortable. When I asked him to stop, he dismissed my fear of the car crashing by saying, ‘you are too emotional, I wasn’t even speeding. You were only imagining it.’
Surviving on Conditional Love and Fear
Both cults and abusive relationships often rely on a powerful cycle of reward and punishment.
The Milgram Experiment, conducted by Stanley Milgram, demonstrated how individuals comply with authority under structured psychological pressure, even when actions conflict with personal values. Similarly, abusive relationships often operate through intermittent reinforcement cycles, these are alternative periods between times of extreme highs (love and affection) and extreme lows (degradation and devalue):
- Moments of affection, calm, or apology
- Followed by conflict, withdrawal, or emotional harm
The cycle kindness and cruelty, creates an emotional landscape that keeps the victim in a constant state of confusion and anxiety, leaving them feeling emotionally off-balance. If this scenario continues, it might eventually cement a state of confusion in the mind of the victim.
During the moments of kindness, the victim may cling to hope, believing that this time things will truly improve, only to be met once again with harshness that crushes their spirits.
This push and pull not only creates an unhealthy dependency but also distorts their perception of reality, making them question their own worth and judgment. In such an environment, the prospect of stability becomes a distant dream, and the relentless cycle between affection and disregard leaves a significant mark on their emotional well-being.This unpredictability creates what psychologists call a trauma bond, a deep emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of distress and relief.
The brain becomes conditioned to seek comfort from the very source of pain. The abuser is experienced as both the cause of distress and the provider of relief, which unfortunately strengthens attachment rather than weakening it.
This is why individuals often find themselves trying to “get back” to the good moments, believing that if they try harder, things will return to how they once were. And for me, this looked like looking back at the pictures of our wedding day or trips we had taken, which he had specifically designed and put around the walls of the house, in a bid to keep reminding me of loving moments we shared.
Unfortunately, though those moments were framed in a time capsule, they were not reflective of the consistent nature in our relationship. To me, they became a reminder of what our marriage could look like and I unconsciously started working harder and harder each day to prove my worth and prove the viability of our marriage. However, getting a better job with better pay was not enough, trying to start a business was not enough, giving in to every whim and demand to cut loved ones out of my life was not enough, keeping quiet every-time he hit me was not enough.
Identity Loss
In healthy relationships, individuality is respected and encouraged. In abusive dynamics, and in cults, identity is often reshaped or gradually eroded.
Members of high-control groups frequently adopt new beliefs, language, and behaviours. In extreme cases, such as Heaven’s Gate, followers replaced their identities entirely with group ideology under Marshall Applewhite.
In abusive relationships, identity erosion tends to be more subtle but no less significant:
- Changing opinions to avoid conflict.
- Suppressing interests, values, or goals.
- Seeking approval before making decisions
This aligns with social identity theory, developed by Henri Tajfel, which explains how group belonging shapes self-concept. When one person becomes your primary “group,” your identity can become fused with theirs.
Over time, your sense of self becomes blurred. Decisions that once felt simple may feel overwhelming without your partner’s input. Leaving then is not just about walking away from a person, it can feel like losing your identity, stability, and sense of purpose all at once.
On one occasion, after being asked to leave a community where I had a sense of identity outside the marriage, we returned in October 2023. Well, I returned out of frustration and in a bid to seek help. I felt caged, like a pet that was not allowed to have any freedom of their own without the carer chaperoning them everywhere. In order to keep the peace, I consistently gave in and agreed with their idea of reality, but it was having a negative impact on me. I was tired of seeking their approval before making a decision which was to their best interest and in October 2023, he demanded to follow me. Yet, he wouldn’t permit me to seek help and would change the narrative to suit him.
Why It’s So Hard to Leave
From the outside, people often ask: “Why didn’t you just leave?” But when viewed through the lens of coercive control and cult dynamics, the answer becomes far more complex.
Leaving involves breaking through multiple layers of influence. It can include, but is not limited to:
- Psychological conditioning.
- Emotional dependency.
- Fear of retaliation, abandonment, or failure.
- Practical barriers such as finances, housing, or shared responsibilities.
Research on learned helplessness, first identified by Martin Seligman, shows that repeated exposure to uncontrollable situations can lead individuals to believe they are powerless, even when opportunities for escape exist.
There is also deep emotional grief. Not only for the relationship itself, but for the version of it that was hoped for, the potential, the promise, and the early moments that felt real.
In my case, I was not able to work because of the negative impact of the stressful relationship and it’s effect on me. And when I was able to, I was not earning enough to support myself and dependents. Bearing in mind, he refused to also financially help and support the family. I was also in a position between a rock and a hard place because at this stage, towards the latter end of the relationship, I was not speaking to anyone and no one was able to witness the state of the relationship. Now, I felt stuck and trapped because he was the only individual that provided emotional validation and that also demanded to hold the truth of the version of events and how things had happened in the marriage. I felt stuck and trapped and I felt there was not way of escape. On multiple occasions, he had threatened me and I feared for my life if I left that he would retaliate.
Reclaiming Yourself
Recognising the parallels between abusive relationships and cults can be deeply validating. It reframes the experience, not as a personal failure, but as something shaped by powerful psychological forces.
Recovery often involves:
- Rebuilding trust in your own perceptions.
- Reconnecting with safe, supportive relationships.
- Rediscovering your identity, autonomy, and voice.
Therapeutic approaches such as trauma-informed therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) have been shown to support survivors in processing these experiences and rebuilding a stable sense of self.
Importantly, healing is not linear. It requires patience, compassion, and support.
But it is possible.
Just as individuals leave high-control groups and rebuild their lives, those who leave abusive relationships can do the same—often emerging with stronger boundaries, deeper self-awareness, and a more grounded sense of identity.
Freedom is not just about leaving.
It is about reclaiming who you were, and discovering who you can become.
Today, I stand as a living witness that healing and restoration is possible. I am still learning the ropes and still on my healing journey. It has been two years now since I left, and although the journey has not been smooth sailing, I am grateful that I have come out stronger than where I was two years ago. The hardest part was coming to terms with the state of the relationship and accepting the reality of abuse I was indoctrinated in accepting as the norm. However, the moment I saw the wood for the trees and accepted the truth of the marriage, that was when my deliverance from the toxic cycle and dysfunctional pattern of the relationship began.
In being able to accept the reality of the situation, I was also able to forgive myself, come to terms with the negative impact it caused, and be more proactive in wanting better. Being proactive included dropping any optimism that things would return to the image I was first sold at the start. It also included being practical and being realistic of the destructive nature of the relationship if things continued in the path it was on.
By being brutality honest with myself and the situation, I was able to start accepting my own values and belief system. I decided to break out of the cage that was carefully crafted for me and reached out to loved ones and professionals for help. I was determined to be set free even if it meant I let go of the ideal of a perfect home, the facade of couple goals, so that my children and I had a better and healthier life. I was afraid of retaliation, and that is one of the reasons I stayed in that toxic situation. But staying only empowered negative behaviours and I realised that the cycle would never stop.
Conclusion: Walking Into Freedom
Freedom is not just leaving a situation, it is rediscovering who you are in God. “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?” – Psalm 27:1. This for me was a great anchor in this moments I felt like giving up. I want to encourage you to examine your situation right now and be brutally honest with yourself how things will look like in the next five to ten years if it continued like this.
👉 What step have you been prompted to take today?
👉 What would your life look like fully free?
Next Steps
- Download a copy of “Managing Negative Emotions Guide”
- Join my community to engage in prayers and accountability.
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